You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
