I wish my penis had an off switch
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
