I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
