My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
