I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
