I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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