If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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