youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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