I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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