highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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