They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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