I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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