I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
