I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
