Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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