My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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