One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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