I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
