I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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