I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
