I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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