I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
why do cheetos always look like penises
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
