Dude my mom stole all your condoms
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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