All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
A bitchslap is in order.
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