My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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