how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
