If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
