i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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