I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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