Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
