I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
