ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
