then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
