They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
It's blow job season.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Let's get the cat blown out
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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