hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm really busy with my period
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