Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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