I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
