I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
