I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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