Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
