Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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