cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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