Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
