i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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