I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
