Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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