I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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