I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
