when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
