my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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