We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
