Just fell off a train. Bad.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
